Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
