I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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