FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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