I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
