I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
