What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
