Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
