I think I died a long time ago.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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