based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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