Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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