i think my tv is drunk
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You've changed since you got that strap on
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
