sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
