I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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