if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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