John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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