Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
