Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We need a shit load of segways right now
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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