Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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