I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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