I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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