I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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