fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
