a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
