i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
