Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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