I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Drunk is not a location!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
