He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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