just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
