Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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