no, he came in my armpit
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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