You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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