why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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