my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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