I smell stomach acid.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
