Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
