giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
