this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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