If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
