i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
