just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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