my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
