i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I smell like Dick and happiness
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
