oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Randomize
