Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
