Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
