I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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