there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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