I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize