....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
