Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He passed out mid-signature
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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