So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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