I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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