This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
