I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
