she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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