You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
